Think You’re Enlightened? Spend a Week with Your Family (Ram Dass)
Ah, enlightenment—the elusive state of being calm, wise, and unshakably serene. Maybe you’ve been meditating, practicing mindfulness, or reading about the art of letting go. You’ve silenced your inner critic, tamed your temper, and you’re sure nothing can rattle you anymore. Then, the universe presents the ultimate litmus test for your spiritual and personal progress: a week with your family.
In our minds, the holidays often play out like a perfect snow globe scene: laughter around a crackling fire, the smell of cookies in the air, and loved ones exchanging heartfelt gifts. And for many, it may well be a time of joy, togetherness, and festive cheer.
But let’s be honest: it’s also a time when the delicate balance of inner peace can be tested to its limits. It can look more like a pressure cooker for some: Uncle Joe’s political rants, your dad’s unsolicited advice, and someone passive-aggressively commenting on your life choices. These things, even if unintended and relatively minor on the surface, can suddenly feel like the most important issue in the world to you. Our families have a unique ability to shine a light on our blind spots and push our buttons in ways that no one else can.
There’s a reason for this – they are the ones who shaped you, for better or worse. Childhood roles—whether you were the peacemaker, the rebel, or the overachiever—cling to you like old sweaters that no longer fit. And despite all your adulting, those roles tend to resurface when you’re back under one roof.
That being said, family interactions are fertile ground for practicing mindfulness, self-compassion, boundaries, and self-awareness.
1. Notice Your Triggers: Do your mom’s questions about your love life feel like an interrogation? Take a mental step back. Recognize these moments not as personal attacks but as opportunities to observe your reactions. There will likely be moments of frustration, sadness, or anger – notice what is coming up for you, and know that it’s okay to feel all of the feelings and not brush them away – in those moments do what you need to do to take care of yourself.
2. Set Boundaries: Spiritual growth doesn’t mean being a doormat. If Aunt Carol insists on bringing up uncomfortable topics, it’s okay to say, “I’d rather not discuss this.” Setting boundaries is an act of self-respect and can actually improve relationships over time. It’s okay to take breaks. Go for a walk, read a book, or sneak away for a quick meditation. Think of boundaries not as walls, rather as doors that let those we care about know how we can stay connected with them.
3. Consider Radical Acceptance: You can’t control what others say or how they behave, but you can control how you respond. Forego the fantasy that your family will act differently this time. That doesn’t mean condoning bad behavior—it means deciding it won’t steal your peace. High hopes often do not match reality. Enlightenment is about letting go of these expectations and embracing the imperfect beauty of what is.
4. Practice Empathy: Try reversing roles to see things from your family members’ perspectives. Uncle Joe’s rant may be his way of dealing with his own loneliness, pain, and childhood wounds. This also includes practicing self-compassion and kindness to yourself in those difficult moments.
5. Be in the Moment: Amid the chaos, there may be periods of connection—someone’s genuine smile, a shared joke, or a tender shared memory. Savor those.
You don’t have to be a Zen master to survive a week with your family, but you might come out a little wiser if you approach it with the right mindset. Family time can be chaotic and challenging. But it’s also a mirror reflecting the areas where we still have room to grow. These times remind us that relationships are messy, connection is imperfect, and the most meaningful moments are rarely the ones we plan. Enlightenment isn’t a destination; it’s a journey—and there’s no better place to practice than home.
So, if you think you’re enlightened, don’t retreat to a mountaintop or an ashram—go spend a week with your family. You might just learn that true enlightenment isn’t always about escaping the chaos; it’s about finding your peace right in the middle of it.